Some of the most difficult aspects of
having BPD is the emptiness, loneliness, and outright intensity of emotions I
have. My extreme behaviors keep me and
everybody else confused. Some borderlines (mostly teenagers) try to
express their inner emotional pain though outward physical pain in the form of
self mutilation. Another reason they
might do this is because they feel that they are punishing themselves for any
real or imagined wrongdoing.
In that case, self
damaging behavior serves as an expiation for sin.
My
fear of change involves a basic distrust of my "brakes". In
healthier people psychic brakes allow a gradual descent from the pinnacle of a
mood or behavior to a gentle stop in the 'gray zone' of the incline. Afraid
that my set of brakes won't hold, I believe that I won't be able to stop,
that I will slide out of
control to the bottom of the emotional hill.
For
those of us with Borderline Personality Disorder, psychological change requires
resisting unproductive automatic reflexes and consciously and willfully choosing
other alternatives choices that are opposite, from the automatic reflex- sometimes
these new ways of behaving are frightening, but they are more efficient ways of
coping.
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