Friday, June 24, 2016

Who am I?

“We are what we pretend to be.”  - Kurt Vonnegut

As Borderlines, when we achieve success it often feels undeserved, misplaced.  We sometimes feel that our successes are attributed to the masks we wear and not our genuine selves (whoever we are; we seldom know).  A few weeks ago I had the opportunity to chat about this with a fellow Borderliner, @DallaDxBPD.  Here are a few thoughts in her own words.

“I accept my sensitivity as a constant trait, but I constantly re-analyze my intelligence and attractiveness.  I've always been emotionally sensitive, and I think that is why people find me so easy to talk to.  I'm book-smart, but I know people who know so much more about specific subjects, while I know a little bit about a lot of different subjects.  Does that make me more or less intelligent?  It usually feels like less.  As for attractiveness, well, I've never felt all that attractive - inside or out.  I've been anorexic since I was 16, and it nearly killed me when I was 19.  Despite that, I still hate the way I look even when others tell me I am beautiful.  I don't think I will ever believe what others say about how I look.  If I see one flaw, I am ugly.  (Black and white thinking).  I expect perfection out of myself, so receiving accolades for anything I could have done better seems ridiculous.  I hate receiving compliments, too.  It makes me feel really embarrassed and self-conscious.  I always know the things I did wrong that make me undeserving.”

"Without knowing what I am and why I am here, life is impossible." - Leo Tolstoy