The Wave

I want to take a time-out from my usual educational mental-health related post and write about the things I am learning in this very moment.

All of my life I have been unable to see my own reflection anywhere but in the eyes of others.  When you break my heart, I believe I am unlovable.  When you lie to me, I see myself as unworthy of honesty.  When you disagree with me, I am wrong.  When you kiss me,

I am beautiful.  When you compliment me, I am worthwhile.  If you value me then I value myself and my ideas about who Joy is are dependent upon who YOU are and who I am IN RELATION TO YOU.  This is my faulty programming.

In my dreams there is a gargantuan wave that I cannot ride.  Its current pulls me under and throws me about like paper in the wind.  The salt water burns my lungs and I shut my eyes in terror.  Sometimes the pain in my life eliminates everything.  I try to live up to your expectations but I am only ever being swept out to sea.

What happens when every one of you turns your back on me?  What happens when I lose all hope and cannot see the flicker of light just around the corner?  Sometimes a human will utter the few words that makes me feel whole again, and sometimes no one is there but the echo of my own voice shouting back at me.  In these times, I am lost, but I fight and I fight and I fight the wave until I realize he is reaching out for me, standing on the surface of the water.  My faith is as small as a mustard seed, but when I do not have the strength to grab hold He scoops me up and takes me to a Higher Place. 

From this place I survey the swells of my own heart and see that I am set apart from you.  You will love me, and you will fall out of love with me.  You will grimace when I make the wrong decision and you will laugh when I am funny.  But I, I must remain independent of your concept of Joy, for there will come a day when I will stand before the throne of God as an individual.  In this moment I know that the One who matters most is calling out my given name, Joy Pauline!  And my heart takes heart.

You are more than what I think of you or the things that have occurred in your life.  You are an original, tailor made, all ingredients included.  Allow Grace to keep you afloat.

Dedicated to Rosemary Hope.  Some day I will meet you in Heaven, my dearest.