How to Deal with People Who Have Borderline Personality Disorder.

Never fight fire with fire.  When things get too heated, further discussion can come later when the atmosphere is more settled.  When I am hitting a low, I’ll let you know, and I will try to function as well as I can.  If you just met me, I will maintain a low profile.  I may seem shy but I’m not.  This is the Bipolar disorder talking as well.  I will act out impulsively, destructively, and this will frustrate you.  These impulsive acts will arise from a sea of stability and take you off guard.  When there is no crisis, I initiate one.  Some of the angry ones might come out, but then Shame and Guilt will take their place.  There will be no warning.  If I speak harshly to you, or if on the off chance I lash out, it is because you are important to me.  Some Borderlines threaten violence, but I’d rather retreat to my room.  Many Borderlines are attracted to people who physically overpowering.  We want to get it over with.  We provoke our loved ones so that the abandonment doesn’t drag on.  We initiate. 

Borderlines and Romantic Relationships

Just like anyone else, when Borderlines are engaged in self fulfilling activities we are more attractive to others because we are less pressured to grasp at immediate unrealistic solutions to loneliness.  We frequently involve ourselves in predicaments in which we become a victim, perceiving ourselves as helpless characters upon whom others act.  Don’t misunderstand us- most of the time we are unaware that our behavior is provocative or dangerous, or that it may in some way invite persecution.  The person who continually chooses partners who abuse her is typically unaware of the patterns she is repeating.  Our split view of ourselves includes a special, entitled part and an angry, unworthy part that masochistically deserves punishment but we are not fully conscious of this.  A pattern of this type of invited victimization is a solid indication of BPD pathology.

Although being a victim is most unpleasant, it can also be a very appealing role.  A helpless waif buffeted by the turbulent seas of an unfair world, a haunted artist, a damsel in distress; these roles are very attractive to some people.  A match between the helpless waif and one who feels a strong need to rescue and take care of others satisfies needs for both parties. 

We find kind partners who promise complete and total protection while fulfilling their own desire to feel strong, protective, important, and needed.  This is the perfect breeding ground for co-dependency. 

Sometimes Borderlines sabotage relationships in an effort to test one’s commitment.  Our significant others need to understand our background and recognize that trust can not realistically be established except over long periods of time.  Not everyone is willing to wait, but the right person will be. ;)

The Wave

I want to take a time-out from my usual educational mental-health related post and write about the things I am learning in this very moment.

All of my life I have been unable to see my own reflection anywhere but in the eyes of others.  When you break my heart, I believe I am unlovable.  When you lie to me, I see myself as unworthy of honesty.  When you disagree with me, I am wrong.  When you kiss me,

I am beautiful.  When you compliment me, I am worthwhile.  If you value me then I value myself and my ideas about who Joy is are dependent upon who YOU are and who I am IN RELATION TO YOU.  This is my faulty programming.

In my dreams there is a gargantuan wave that I cannot ride.  Its current pulls me under and throws me about like paper in the wind.  The salt water burns my lungs and I shut my eyes in terror.  Sometimes the pain in my life eliminates everything.  I try to live up to your expectations but I am only ever being swept out to sea.

What happens when every one of you turns your back on me?  What happens when I lose all hope and cannot see the flicker of light just around the corner?  Sometimes a human will utter the few words that makes me feel whole again, and sometimes no one is there but the echo of my own voice shouting back at me.  In these times, I am lost, but I fight and I fight and I fight the wave until I realize he is reaching out for me, standing on the surface of the water.  My faith is as small as a mustard seed, but when I do not have the strength to grab hold He scoops me up and takes me to a Higher Place. 

From this place I survey the swells of my own heart and see that I am set apart from you.  You will love me, and you will fall out of love with me.  You will grimace when I make the wrong decision and you will laugh when I am funny.  But I, I must remain independent of your concept of Joy, for there will come a day when I will stand before the throne of God as an individual.  In this moment I know that the One who matters most is calling out my given name, Joy Pauline!  And my heart takes heart.

You are more than what I think of you or the things that have occurred in your life.  You are an original, tailor made, all ingredients included.  Allow Grace to keep you afloat.

Dedicated to Rosemary Hope.  Some day I will meet you in Heaven, my dearest.