Who am I?

“We are what we pretend to be.”  - Kurt Vonnegut

As Borderlines, when we achieve success it often feels undeserved, misplaced.  We sometimes feel that our successes are attributed to the masks we wear and not our genuine selves (whoever we are; we seldom know).  A few weeks ago I had the opportunity to chat about this with a fellow Borderliner, @DallaDxBPD.  Here are a few thoughts in her own words.

“I accept my sensitivity as a constant trait, but I constantly re-analyze my intelligence and attractiveness.  I've always been emotionally sensitive, and I think that is why people find me so easy to talk to.  I'm book-smart, but I know people who know so much more about specific subjects, while I know a little bit about a lot of different subjects.  Does that make me more or less intelligent?  It usually feels like less.  As for attractiveness, well, I've never felt all that attractive - inside or out.  I've been anorexic since I was 16, and it nearly killed me when I was 19.  Despite that, I still hate the way I look even when others tell me I am beautiful.  I don't think I will ever believe what others say about how I look.  If I see one flaw, I am ugly.  (Black and white thinking).  I expect perfection out of myself, so receiving accolades for anything I could have done better seems ridiculous.  I hate receiving compliments, too.  It makes me feel really embarrassed and self-conscious.  I always know the things I did wrong that make me undeserving.”

"Without knowing what I am and why I am here, life is impossible." - Leo Tolstoy

The Link Between Borderline and Dissociative Disorders

Borderline and other personality disorders may be a secondary diagnosis describing the underlying characterological functioning of a patient who exhibits more acute and prominent symptoms of a state disorder.  Several studies show a high prevalence of BPD in patients with Dissociative Identity Disorder may be even as high as 82%!  Dissociation is a common experience for people with borderline personality disorder (BPD). 

Do you sometimes feel as if you have "zoned out?"  Do you have times when you feel "unreal" or when things around you look strange or unfamiliar?  Do you sometimes lose periods of time or have chunks of the day that you do not remember?  Do these experiences usually happen when you are under a lot of stress?  These are all forms of dissociation which can range from mild and transitory to severe and chronic. 

While dissociation is also a symptom of borderline personality disorder, usually the dissociation seen in BPD does not happen as frequently or as severely as in DID (i.e. other personalities do not emerge).  Someone with the symptoms of DID and BPD may receive a diagnosis of both disorders.  You may also be similar to me- My primary diagnosis is DID, but one of my alter personalities has BPD, so BPD is my secondary diagnosis.  How is this possible?  In people diagnosed with DID, individual alters may harbor knowledge, talents, or illnesses otherwise unknown to the original personality or other alters as well as different memories.  In the case of Sybil, one of her alters knew how to play the piano while the others could not.  In another case I read about in a book called ‘Am I a Good Girl Yet?’  One of the author’s alters had significant visual impairment requiring glasses and the others did not.  One of my alters only speaks the Indonesian language.

Boredom for the Borderline

"Boredom: The desire for desires." - Leo Tolstoy

Boredom seems to swell like a balloon inside my head, a pressure inside my skull.  Sometimes I think it might burst and I will lose all reason.  As Borderliners, the need to fill the empty void inside of us can lead to outbursts of anger, self damaging impulsiveness (especially drug abuse), and mood swings designed to elicit sensations of feeling.  The walls of an empty room are mirrors that double and redouble our sense of self.  We may become transiently psychotic when we are by ourselves with nothing to do.  Mostly these are simply feelings of unreality and dissociation.  Because my mind is more active in certain areas than a normal brain, boredom is my worst enemy and greatest fear.  I feel a constant need to be stimulated mentally, and this has been true since I was an infant.  The trick is learning how to engage your mind in a healthy way.