Being Borderline

          

          Some of the most difficult aspects of having BPD is the emptiness, loneliness, and outright intensity of emotions I have.  My extreme behaviors keep me and everybody else confused.  Some borderlines (mostly teenagers) try to express their inner emotional pain though outward physical pain in the form of self mutilation.  Another reason they might do this is because they feel that they are punishing themselves for any real or imagined wrongdoing.  In that case, self damaging behavior serves as an expiation for sin.

My fear of change involves a basic distrust of my "brakes".  In healthier people psychic brakes allow a gradual descent from the pinnacle of a mood or behavior to a gentle stop in the 'gray zone' of the incline.  Afraid that my set of brakes won't hold, I believe that I won't be able to stop, that I will slide out of control to the bottom of the emotional hill.  

 

For those of us with Borderline Personality Disorder, psychological change requires resisting unproductive automatic reflexes and consciously and willfully choosing other alternatives choices that are opposite, from the automatic reflex- sometimes these new ways of behaving are frightening, but they are more efficient ways of coping.

Forms of Child Abuse

             

(In this picture I am the second child on the left).

          Most people with a mental illness have experienced some form of child abuse.  This abuse is not always physical.  Emotional child abuse can take on several forms. 

Degradation is where a parent constantly devalues the child's achievements and magnifies misbehavior.  The child then becomes convinced that she is bad or worthless.

Psychologically absent parents show little interest in the child's development and provide no affection of times of need.  This abuse is called unavailability.  This kind of child abuse has been on the rise for quite some time as we are seeing more cases of both parents pursuing careers that take up a lot of their time.

Domination is the use of extreme threats to control a child's behavior.  Some child development experts have compared this form of abuse to the techniques used by terrorists to brainwash captives.

I am lucky to have parents that love me and have treated me well throughout my life.  My father’s career involves him traveling often.  I remember missing him a lot when I was a child, especially on my birthdays.  I am very blessed, though, that when my father was around he paid a lot of attention to me and loved me very much.  I have experienced child abuse but it did not involve my parents or any relatives.

BPD, Constitutional Factors

Studies propose a link between impulsive acts and abnormalities in the metabolism of serotonin (a chemical neurotransmitter implicated in mood disorders).  Researchers have suggested that the same impulsivity observed among those with BPD (and perhaps people with eating disorders and substance abusers) may be related to similar metabolic defects.  A borderliner’s frequent abuse of food, alcohol and other drugs- typically interpreted as self destructive behavior- is often an attempt to self medicate inner emotional turmoil and dysfunction of the brain.  Studies reveal abnormal brainwave activity over the temporal lobe of people with BPD.  These researchers also found abnormally high levels of pituitary hormone during tests. 

This was the case with me- my BPD was intensified because of a hormone-secreting tumor on my pituitary gland.  This rare disease is called Acromegaly.  When I had the tumor removed in 2007 at the age of nineteen my whole perception of the world changed.  It was like I finally woke up from an intense nightmare.  I find it difficult to remember much about my life when I was a teenager due to the hormone-induced mania I experienced during those years.